Når det ikke føles vildt godt./when it doesn't feel good.

Pånær min mor og et par tætte venner, tror jeg ikke jeg på noget tidspunkt fortalte nogen, hvad jeg vil fortælle nu.

At tage til USA har i mange år været min store drøm. Da drømmen endelig blev til virkelighed for cirka et år siden græd jeg glædestårer, og jeg græder principielt ikke særligt ofte. Jeg var klar til at tage til USA her og nu og det kunne kun gå for langsomt.

Jeg kom i gennem alle forberedelser, det eneste jeg manglede var en værtsfamilie. Jeg ventede spændt, og håbede inderligt på en nordlig stat. En dag, da jeg var på arbejde, fik jeg en sms fra min mor. Jeg havde fået en værtsfamilie i Oklahoma. Jeg kunne have brudt sammen på stedet, det var ikke min drøm. Selvom familien virkede som et ret godt valg for mig, kunne jeg slet ikke se positivt på noget som helst.

Jeg hold humøret højt på ydersiden, men jeg fortalte dagligt min mor at jeg ikke havde lysten længere, at det ikke var min drøm længere. Hun kæmpede (hvilket jeg er hende uendeligt taknemmelig for) dagligt med mig, for at få mig til at indse at det jo stadig var min store drøm.

I maj tog jeg på en forberedelsescamp for kommende udvekslingsstudenter. Jeg håbede inderligt på at finde en der havde det ligesom mig, men uanset hvem jeg snakkede med, fik jeg kun overdrevet positive tanker tilbage. Jeg tog hjem endnu mere deprimeret end jeg var før. Hver gang nogle spurgte mig om jeg glædede mig til jeg skulle afsted, svarede jeg "selvfølgelig", men lysten var der slet ikke.

Hen over sommeren blev det kun værre. Stort set alle mine dage gik med at finde undskyldninger, og andre måder hvorpå jeg kunne slippe ud af det, jeg havde rodet mig ud i til at begynde med. Hver aften var en kamp. Der var ganske få dage hvor jeg glædede mig til de oplevelser jeg måske kunne få, men jeg var konstant bange for at alt ville gå galt. At min værtsfamilie og jeg ikke passede sammen, at jeg ville have store sprogvanskeligheder, at jeg ingen venner ville få eller at mine danske venner ville glemme mig.

Al denne bekymring har heldigvis vist sig slet ikke at være behøvet. Alt er bedre end jeg havde regnet med og jeg har allerede haft nogle af de bedste oplevelser i mit liv! Jeg har mødt nogle fantastiske mennesker og selvom jeg ikke ligefrem er vild med varmen, kan jeg slet ikke forestille mig selv bo andre steder end Tonkawa. Min familie er perfekt og skolen er lettere end jeg havde troet. Jeg har allerede følelsen af, at jeg ikke vil forlade Tonkawa igen, det er begyndt at føles som mit andet hjem.

I søndags tog jeg en beslutning jeg aldrig havde regnet med at tage, de personer der har brug for at vide præcis hvad det er, ved det eller vil få det at vide. Det vil måske ikke virke stort for nogle mennesker, men det var et stort skridt for mig som person. Jeg har ikke lyst til at dele det med alle endnu, da jeg stadig skal vænne mig til tanken om det og min syn på verden skal ændres.

Grunden til at jeg ikke har valgt at fortælle om min ret negative oplevelse omkring ventetiden er, at jeg har været bange for folks reaktioner. Jeg har været bange for at blive stemplet som utaknemmelig og møgforkælet. Det har været hårdt og jeg har ikke villet vise en svag side af mig selv. Jeg er glad for at min familie har hjulpet så meget som de har, det betyder alt for mig at jeg sidder hvor jeg gør lige nu.

Undskyld for eventuelle stave- og grammatiske fejl.
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Except for my mom and some close friends I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell.

To go to the USA has been my dream for years now. When that dream finaly became true about a year ago I cried tears of joy and rarely cry at all. I was ready to leave that very moment. I simply couldn't get here fast enough.

I got through all the applications and preperations the only thing missing was a host familiy. I was waiting for a few months until I finally heard something. I was at work when I got a text from my mom saying that I'd gotten a familiy in Oklahoma. I could've started crying that very moment. Oklahoma was not my dream at all. Even though the family seemed really nice I couldn't see anything positive about it.

I seemed happy on the outside, but everyday I told my mom that I did not want to go anymore and that this wasn't my dream. She fought for me (I will be thankful forever) and told me that it was still my dream.

In May I went to a camp for people that were going to be foreign exchange students. I really longed to find someone who felt like I did, but everyone I talked to was really positive about it all. I went home even more depressed than I was before I got there. Everytime someone asked me if I was looking forward to go I told them "of course" but I didn't feel like going.

Over the summer it just got worse. I spent pretty much every day coming up with excuses and reasons for me to stay home. I wanted to get out of what I'd gotten myself into. Every night was a battle. There were very few days where I was looking forward to the great things I might experience. I was constantly afraid that something would go wrong. That my family wouldn't be right for me, that I would have big difficulties with the language, that I wouldn't make any friends or that my Danish friends would forget all about me.

Luckily I've been worrying for no reason at all. Everything is a lot better than I expected it to be and I've already had some of the best experiences in my life. I've met some amazing people here and even though I don't excactly love the heat I can't see myself in any other town than Tonkawa. The familiy is perfect and the school is a lot easier than I expected. I already feel like not going home again. Tonkawa is my second home now.

Sunday I made a decision I never thought I'd make. The people that needs to know excactly what it is already knows or I'll tell them soon. For some people it might not seem important, but it was a very big step for me as a person. I'm not quite ready to share with everyone just yet since I have to change some parts of the way I view my world first.

The reason I haven't told about my negative side of getting here is that I've had no idea what reaction I would get. I was scared that someone might look at me as ungrateful or too spoiled. It's been tough and I didn't want to show anyone my weak side. I can't thank my family enough. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be sitting where I'm sitting this very moment.

I apologize for any annoying misspellings.