1.14.2011

At Høre Til/ To Belong

Jeg tøver lidt, når nu jeg sidder og prøver at skrive dette indlæg. Jeg kommer om muligt til at såre nogen, jeg kommer om muligt til at fornærme nogen, men det er ikke mine intentioner.

Jeg skriver dette indlæg, fordi jeg har lovet mig selv at være ærlig, omkring de ting jeg skriver her. Hvis ikke jeg var ærlig, ville der ikke være en pointe med bloggen.

"Have you ever had the feeling of not belonging the one place that you should belong? I do. Denmark I miss you, but I belong somewhere else." - Sådan opdaterede jeg Twitter den anden dag, og jeg mener hvert et ord. Jeg savner min elskede familie, som har støttet op omkring mig, siden jeg startede mit eventyr. Jeg savner mine fantastiske venner, mere end jeg havde troet var muligt. Jeg savner dansk mad! Trods savn, føler jeg, at jeg hører til andetsteds. Jeg føler det engelske sprog falder mig mere naturligt end det danske, uanset hvor hårdt det er at indrømme.

Selvom jeg ikke kunne fordrage det, da jeg var yngre, kigger jeg tilbage på mine manger timer i skoven med et smil på læben. Jeg troede på, at trolde, alfer og andre mystiske væsner levede omkring mig, mens jeg løb rundt i solstrålerne, der fandt vej gennem trætoppende. Jeg kigger tilbage på de mange timer i min morfars værksted, hvor jeg skrækslagen for at få sorte fingre, ofte satte mig ind i en bil for at hjælpe med at reparere bremser. Jeg har utallige gode minder fra Danmark, men hvor vil jeg dog gerne forsætte med at skabe minder her uden at bekymre mig om, hvornår jeg skal rejse. Jeg skal i øvrigt slæbes væk herfra, den dag jeg skal hjem. På ingen måde kan jeg få mine fødder til at gå i anden retning end Tonkawa, uden at være forsikret om at jeg kommer tilbage.

Jeg har mødt fantastiske mennesker her. Hvor vil jeg gerne nævne navne, men jeg er bange for ikke at nævne dem alle. Hvem end jeg har brugt tid med her, jeg elsker jer mere end I ved! I har ændret mit syn på verdenen og på mennesker. Jeg er ikke i tvivl om, at I ved hvem I er.

På intet tidspunkt har det føltes forkert at være her, trods mine bekymringer inden jeg rejste. Det kan ikke føles mere rigtigt end det har gjort og stadig gør. Det eneste der føles forkert er tanken om at forlade et sted hvor jeg føler jeg hører til. Selvom jeg glæder mig uendeligt meget til at se jer, jeg savner igen, bekymrer jeg mig alt for meget om at tage tilbage.

Mit mål er nu at finde et college, så jeg kan forsætte min amerikanske drøm. Dog har jeg fundet ud af, at det er lettere sagt end gjort. Hvis der sidder nogen og læser med, som skulle have styr på bare noget af alt det der kræves, for en udlænding at tage på college i USA, ville jeg sætte stor pris på nogle fif. Hvad enten der er visa, stipendier eller regler, jeg kan bruge det hele!
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I'm hesitating to do this update. I might end up hurting some, I might end up insulting some, but that's not my intention.

I write this post because I've promised myself to be honest about anything I post. I don't see the point of this blog if I'm not.

"Have you ever had a feeling of not belonging the one place that you should belong? I do. Denmark I miss you, but I belong somewhere else." I updated Twitter with these words the other day and I mean every word. I miss my beloved family that has been there for me since I started this crazy adventure. I miss my awesome friends more than I thought I would. I miss Danish food! Despite the fact that I'm missing Denmark a lot, I feel like I belong elsewhere. It feels more natural to me to speak English, though it's hard to admit.

I couldn't stand it when I was younger, but I can't help but to look back at all the hours I spent in the woods, with a smile. I believed that trolls, elves, and other mysterous creatures were living in the trees surrounding me while I was running around in the sunbeams that found their way through the tree tops. I remember all the time I spent in my grandpa's workshop terrified that I would get dirty hands while helping him fixing brakes on cars. I have more memories than I can count from Denmark, but more than anything I'd like to stay here and create more memories without having to worry about leaving. They have to drag me out of here the day I leave. There's no way I can make my feet walk away from Tonkawa without knowing that I'm coming back.

I've met amazing people here. How I would love to mention all of your names, but you're too many and some would slip. But everyone I've spent time with here, I love you more than you know! You've changed my worldview and how I look at people. I'm sure you know who you are.
(Holly, I will take the time to mention you, though. I love driving around with you, you are truly amazing. And remember, our fingerprints never fade from the lives we touch)

At no time has it felt wrong to be here, despite my worries before I left. It couldn't feel more right than it has and still does. The only thing that feels wrong is the thought about leaving a place where I feel like I belong. I can't describe how much I'm looking forward to see the people I miss again, but I'm way too worried about going back.

Now my goal is to find a college to attend. I've learned that's easier said than done, though. If anyone out there knows what it takes for a foreigner to attend college in America I would really appreciate some help!

3 comments:

  1. Puha den var lidt sej at læse :) Men omvendt kommer dine ord ikke bag på mig... du har, siden du var meget lille, sagt at du ville rejse ud, at du ikke følte du fik nok her i Danmark.
    Så selvom jeg helt klart drømmer om at du kunne finde ro i Danmark, ønsker jeg dig det allerbedste og at du finder DIN lykke, om det så er på den anden side af jorden du skal finde den :) Jeg elsker dig så højt du ikke fatter det og jeg håber du finder en løsning til College! KNUS

    Pfeww that was a tough one to read :) Although it doesn't come as a surprise to me, since you have said that you would travel, since you were a little girl and that you felt that you were seeking something else, that Denmark couldn't give you!

    So in spite of my own dreams of having you close here in Denmark, I wish you the best in the world and that you will find your inner happiness, even if it's on the other side of the world! I love you more than you can imagine, and i sincerely hope that you'll find a soullution to go to college there :)

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  2. Wauu, det er godt at du er ærlig, men at du har planer om at blive i USA, ville jeg som mor også lige skulle "fordøje" Det er godt, at du er glad for det, du gør nu.

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  3. Prøv at kigge her

    http://education.kilroy.dk/Generel+studieinfo/om_kilroy_education.htm

    ReplyDelete